January

We'd have a good relationship,

If it weren't for you!!!

  by P.J. Lucas, Ph.D.

    I have worked with many couples trying to resolve conflicts in their marriages. I have found over the years that the same issues come up time and time again. Here is what I have found. Couples blame each other for the problems in the marriage. "If he would just do this" or "if she just wouldn't do that." They seem to think they are solving conflict but they are arguing about different things entirely. The metaphor is they both know they are riding a train but in reality the train is going in different directions. The conflict issues I see most in my office are that people are fighting about different things but expecting resolution. They cannot solve conflict if they are fighting about different issues. It is easy to be in a relationship in the first year of marriage. We want to please our partner. We love to be in love. Our focus is on him or her. After the newness wears off we seem to have more of a problem resolving conflict. Here are 11 ways to resolve conflicts:

1. Know the type of conflict you're involved in.
2. Become aware of the causes and consequences of violence and of the alternatives to violence.
3. Face the conflict rather than avoid it.
4. Respect yourself and your interests, and respect the other person and his or her interests.
5. Avoid ethnocentrism, understand and accept the reality of cultural differences.
6. Distinguish between interest and positions very clearly.
7. Explore your interests and the other persons interest to identify the common and compatible interests that you both share.
8. Define the conflicting interest between you both as a mutual problem to be solved cooperatively.
9. Be alert to the natural tendencies to bias, misconceptions, misjudgments, and stereotyped thinking that commonly occur in yourself and the other person during a heated conflict.
10. Develop skills for dealing with difficult conflicts so that you are not helpless when confronting those who are more powerful.
11. Know yourself and how you typically respond in different conflict situations.

This seems difficult but it's not. This takes practice and a willingness to get through problems in your relationship. Don't wait until the problems are out of control.